'A' for Average

On Savage Love podcast #239, a guy called in with a relationship problem (um, this is the general point of the podcast). His conundrum was that he's a relatively attractive guy, dating a relatively attractive girl and having a relatively great time of it. What's the problem, you ask? Well, he was worried that his girlfriend--whom he loves, finds funny and smart and all of that--isn't hot enough. She's cute and pretty, but not hot.

You know what, buddy? Screw you.

Of course, you have to be attracted to your partner. This guy is--she's cute and pretty, he says. And yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we all have types. And yes, beauty is culturally determined to some degree. And yes, some people are what I call "objectively hot"--Johnny Depp isn't my type (nor is Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt or Ryan Reynolds), but I can appreciate on an purely aesthetic basis that these men are attractive. But this guy is upset that his funny, smart, nice, cute, pretty girlfriend isn't one of those hot girls that get gawked at by other men or approached by modeling agencies.

Get over yourself.

I will allow that being super model hot might have a few drawbacks: people are probably intimidated by you. Men might not approach you, for fear that you are a) out of their league b) a bitch or c) both. There are stereotypes that hot girls are mean and/or dumb, and maybe people can't get past your looks to take the rest of you seriously. But, um, my sympathies end there.

Most of us walking around on this earth are some shade of average. I don't mean this as an insult; it's a statistical fact. (This, of course, is not about how women tend to low rate themselves no matter what.) The albeit complicated notion of hotness means that there are some super hot people, some just generally attractive people, and some not so attractive people. (Again, taking all of the aforementioned--culture, type, etc.--into account. I get that.) But this guy seems to think that those of us in the "average" category--those of us who are "just" cute and/or pretty aren't good enough for his admittedly average self.

Listen up, jackass.

Let me tell you a secret about all of us who rate low on your "hot" continuum. Unless something horrid befell us later in life, we've probably known our entire lives that we're not in that miniscule segment of the population that is qualified to grace the pages of a magazine. Once I got out of the awkward middle and high school stages, I recognized that with a decent haircut, a little makeup, etc. that I could be cute or pretty, but I'll never be hot. I have moments of feeling or looking more hot than other times, but I'm not hot-hot. The end.

But, I'll let you in on a secret: because I knew that boys would never give me much more than a second glance based solely on my looks, I had to develop this little thing we like to call a personality. I am the first person to admit I'm not movie star gorgeous, but I am smart, kind, generous, caring and easy to talk to. I'm no comedian, but I have moments of being quite funny, and, perhaps more importantly, have a decent sense of other's humor. I have a variety of interests, am an avid reader, keep up with politics, current events, sports, and pop culture. I'm a good friend, a loving daughter and a nurturing partner. I don't like cooking for me, but I'll do it for you (and enjoy it). I'm independent--I won't drag you to the mall to go shoe shopping and can handle going to the movies alone. I'm currently broke, but I'm financially responsible--I've paid every single bill on time and in full for my entire life. I root for the underdog. I'm punctual, remember names, faces and birthdays, buy gifts for no reason, dance while I clean and sing in the car. I hardly ever get sick, adore animals, give good advice and let people into my lane on the highway. For my age, I'm relatively well-traveled. And, despite having just written an entire paragraph that sounds like a profile for Match.com, I'm generally quite humble and self-deprecating and freely admit my faults.

I'm not saying that "hot" girls can't be or aren't these things. I'm sure lots of them are, just like I'm sure lots of "average" or "ugly" girls are mean, bitchy, self-involved, stingy, clingy or stupid.

But, just as Dan told you, Caller, beauty fades. We're all going to get wrinkly and feel the effects of gravity. We'll all go grey, probably gain weight, get crow's feet. We might suffer health issues that involve surgery and leave scars. I, like most women in our 30s, already have cellulite and it isn't going to improve as I age. My mom, who looks absolutely fantastic for her sixty-six years and is supremely active, has parts that sag,wiggle and droop; I will, too. Sure, we could get liposuction, breast implants, collagen implants, face lifts, Botox and monthly root touch-ups. But generally speaking, the only real pieces of us that will still be the same when we're retired are the parts you don't look at. When I'm old, I'll still hold the door open for people, spend hours trying to rescue a sick kitten, thank the bus driver when I exit, send my friends homemade cards and leave little notes for my wrinkly boyfriend to find under his daily glass of prune juice.

Average sounds pretty good to me.