Do you remember that episode of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon sort of accidentally becomes a relationship advice expert? In response to hearing about minor relationship conflicts on a talk show, she tells women they have "sexually transmitted crazy mouth" and "fruit blindness," which might be two of the best phrases in the English language.
She diagnoses relationship dealbreakers with a sort of gusto that, like most of what Liz Lemon does, eventually backfires despite her best intentions. While Tina Fey might be mocking the uber-strict dating rules that women (and Seinfeld) often employ, there is something to be said for having a few--Dan Savage argues for no more than five--substantive issues on which we will not budge. These aren't the things that will attract me to you inititally--intellect, sense of humor, dimples, height, etc.--but the requirements that dig deeper into that long term (or hell, short term) relationship compatibility.
My favorite weekly podcast does a segment about movie mistakes called "Shit That Should Not Be." Let's call this entry "Shit that HAS to be."
In no particular order...
1. Must love dogs is a movie title for a reason. You, Guy, have to love animals. Dogs. Squirrels. Birds. Horses. Cows. Cats. Whatever. (Lizards, snakes and other creepy crawlies are exempt.) I see dogs and cats as furry family members, not four-legged accessories for your living quarters. I spent 6 hours one night this summer rescuing a feral kitten who needed to see a vet and then cried when I dropped it off at the clinic like she was my biological child. I adore my old, feeble, deaf cat, Morris, and we're a package deal. Being allergic is something I'm willing to work with--you can't help that--but I plan to have pets for the rest of my life, and you need to be on board. I would love to have a goat for the backyard. Maybe a bunny. I will feed the birds, help the injured wildlife, and always get excited at the zoo. I dream of going on a safari (despite some post-colonial guilt I'd likely experience being a Westerner invading the land), and watch the Puppybowl, dog shows, silly videos on youtube...you get the idea. If you dislike animals or merely tolerate them? No thanks. Indeed, my mom has always told me "the only two things I care about in your boyfriend/husband are that he loves animals and will dance with you." My mom is a bit of a wacko, but this is some of the best advice I've ever gotten. And on that note...
2. You, Guy, have to be willing to dance. If you're not good, that's ok. We can take lessons. We can not care. But you have to be willing. I don't need you to come to "da club" with me and my girlfriends, but weddings and other events where dancing is likely to occur, yes. I don't want to have to fight about being the only person on the dance floor whose date won't join in every time. Every song? No. But we're at the point age-wise where there aren't a lot of single guys at these things and I don't want to be a forced wallflower. Willing, of course, is the minimum. Your market value increases in direct relationship with how good you are/how much you like to dance. (Even if this requires a beer or two.) I don't want you to be the show-stopping scene-stealer, but you get the idea. I think this "willing" attitude can be applied to lots of activities, but dancing is something I really enjoy, so it matters more than, say, hiking, bungee jumping or any other kind of athletic activity.
3. You, Guy, have to be able to communicate. About your day. About your feelings. About my feelings. About sex. About money. About the stupid bits that make up life. I'm nearly thirty-three, and I need to be with someone who can talk to me. Mad at me? Tell me. Love me? Tell me. If I am mad at you, I want to be able to have a discussion about it without fearing that you're going to turn into a 17 year old who can't use his words. Is fighting fun? No. But avoiding conflict is a sure-fire way for things to fall apart. Not being able to express how you feel about me/us--the good things, I mean--is, too. It might be hokey pop psychology, but there is something to be said for the Five Love Languages. Every single time I've taken the stupid quiz, my highest score is "words of affirmation." Communication builds intimacy, and without it, we're toast.
4. I won't get overly TMI for this one, but I'd be lying if I left it out. You, Guy, need to know what you're doing in bed. Yes, we all need to sort of tweak our technique to adjust for a new partner, but you need to have a pretty solid understanding of it all before we cater to individual preferences. A large portion of this is covered in the aforementioned communication bit, but it also stems from a general enjoyment of all things sexual. A guy who doesn't like sex, you might be thinking? I am certainly not only referring to intercourse. I am talking about all the other stuff--stuff that is equally, if not more, important--to the long-term sexual health and happiness of a couple. No, not a couple. This couple. With me. Like cars, there are certain things that should come standard on all models, and without them, I'm returning you to the lot. And, much like the dancing, willingness coupled with basic skills is the minimum. Enjoyment racks up your market value. Dan coined the term GGG--Good, Giving, Game--and I'm going to demand it of you as a partner, just like you should demand it of me. Demand too harsh a word? Maybe. But not by much. I'm making my mother blush as I type this, but sex is important to me, and I refuse to compromise on it. (I can practically see her eyes rolling as she wonders aloud how it is that I'm her kid.)
5. Christians want to date Christians, usually. Jews want to date Jews, usually. Me? I need to date a liberal. Although I've had a rather unusual religious trajectory in my life, my political beliefs have remained quite steady, or more accurately, become more intense as I've gotten older. I need to be with someone whose worldview aligns with mine as much as possible, because I think--no, have found--that it really affects one's interaction in the world, and I want to be with someone who is facing the same direction. If you're a pro-life, gun-toting, anti gay marriage social conservative who believes in trickle-down economics? Yeah, we're not going to make a life together, in the same way that an Evangelical born-again Christian wouldn't want to be with an atheist. Some of my friends have argued that this is even more ridiculous than my height preferences, but I disagree completely. I don't want to be at each other's throats every election season. (Which, these days, seems to be all the time.) Are we going to agree on every single teeny issue? No. But our overall approach to how we humans should interact with each other in a social, political world should be pretty damn similar. The social issues are far more important to me than the fiscal ones, but they tend to go together. I'm passionate about this and want us to be on the same team. Do I have friends, even close friends, with whom I disagree about politics? Sure. But I don't have to live with them every day. This is about more than who you vote for--it's about your general philosophy. Opposites may attract in other areas, but this isn't one of them. Not for me.
Ok, Dan says to keep it to five. I'm adding one.
6. While I'm not 100% on this, I really don't think I could be with an addict, even a clean or sober one. I don't think I'd ever really believe that the other shoe wasn't about to drop, or that if I didn't keep life super perfect and wonderful that you wouldn't relapse. I know that makes me sound like I have no faith in people, which I absolutely do. I'm just suggesting that, if it's something I could control for, I'd certainly prefer to. Although he was no where near in danger of having an actual problem--let me reiterate that: no where near in danger of having a real problem--I still worried about ExH's drinking. That was on me, not him, but it lead to some ugly encounters at times. The slope with drinking is quite slippery, and it makes me nervous for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. Other addictions--hard drugs, gambling, etc.--would also not fly. Smoking cigarettes is also an absolute turn-off, and I would never knowingly date someone who labeled himself a "smoker." I know that sometimes the social setting--having a few too many, being around certain friends--lends itself to wanting one, and that's something I can deal with, though to be perfectly honest, I'd really rather not. Dan claims that our bodies are ours to use and abuse if we so desire, but I think at some point you have some sort of obligation to others--your partner, etc.--to not purposefully do too much that will decrease your lifespan. I value a healthy lifestyle, and hope you do, as well. I'm not talking about an abstemious teetotaler--that would be a turn-off, too--just someone who has his vices under control.
Will the real animal-loving, liberal, sexually-competent dancers who can communicate please stand up?
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