Add It to the List

The last time I was in Columbus, I had the misfortune of having to spend a few hours at the mechanic getting (what turned out to be) a leak in my transmission fluid line fixed. This particular location had a plethora of vapid women's magazines at the ready, so while the technicians popped in and out, asking me questions about my car, I flipped through the glossy pages. Recipes, work out tips, clothing tips for various body types, etiquette and dating advice, some terrible short fiction, you know, the typical crap. (Ok, admittedly, I used to be a magazineophile, but I have generally learned the error of my ways, though I'm clearly not fully recovered.) However, this one article struck me as at least mildly interesting--a woman nearing her 40th birthday was trudging her way through doing a bunch of things she had "always wanted to do" and had decided (for reasons biological, cultural, and/or editorial) to try to do most of them before this milestone birthday. 

I don't have that fear of forty that many women seem to have, and it's possibly because I don't want children. (And am ambivalent at best--leaning towards oh hell no--about getting married again.) I don't have that biological clock tick-tick-ticking away as a hormonal metronome keeping the rest of my life on careful beat. That said, while on a walk with a close girlfriend that same Columbus trip, we realized we were both going to be thirty-fucking-five on our next birthday, and it sounded horrifying in a way that thirty-four does not.

So I decided to write my own "40 before 40" list, mostly to force myself to think about the things on the list, rather than freaking out about the socially dictated "OMG KINDASORTA SOON I WILL TURN 40" fear or focus. Some of these things are one-off experiences, some are skills to acquire, some are included less for the experience itself and more for the mental/emotional growth that maybe, just maybe, I need to worth though.

1. Be more sexually/relationship-pily expansive.* I don’t mean sleep with people I’m not attracted to just to do it, or investigate1% of me that isn’t straight--I know sexuality is fluid, but really, I’m just so boringly into dudes except for my sapiosexual crush on Rachel Maddow--but things like have a fun one night stand or successfully negotiate a friends with benefits situation or even—gasp!—be involved with more than one person at a time. These are sexual/relationships “things” I’ve never really done—not truly—and, well, perhaps I should just try them. Why? Because they’re completely out of my comfort zone, and maybe I could learn more about myself along the way.

2. Trapeze/aerial class. I’m pretty terrified of heights and falling. Perfect!

3. 5k/fun run. Whoops—a friend and I bailed on one a couple of weekends ago. There are always more.  And yeah, I have no desire to run a marathon or even half of one. Three-point-one miles is enough, thanks.

4. Foster a senior dog or cat. Elderly pets are often the ones least likely to be adopted or fostered, because they tend to come with a host of health issues and because you know, the sadz. Once Morris goes, rather than having “my own” pet, I think bringing dignity and peace to an animal in its sunset years would be nice for me and my furry friend.

5. Sky dive. See above: terrified of heights. And falling. And jumping. And death.

6. Learn to sew and then make my own pillowcases and/or curtains. I don't need to make clothes, but housing/decor stuff would be neat.

7. Learn to can. I realize I could probably teach myself this with a book or website. I should just do it already. But I would also like the bonus freezer to go along with this, right?

8. Skate in a rollerderby bout.* I am currently practicing with the local team, but am—and will remain—"fresh meat" for quite some time, since the likelihood of me passing the skills test anytime soon is slim. But I’m enjoying it just enough to keep going, so. (And also, skating is great exercise for toning one's legs. That alone is practically worth it.)

9.Travel abroad alone. I wanted to go to Europe alone when I graduated college, and my mom told me absolutely not. At 22 I listened to her. Now I wouldn’t. I have a possible trip planned out for May 2013, but the financial and job situations may prove to be problematic.

10.  Vacation roulette. This is risky and spontaneous and SO un-planful. Perfect! Also, due to the recent breakup, I am drowning in plane tickets.

11.  Visit the cool US cities I haven’t been to or haven’t spent much time in. These include: Portland, Seattle, Chicago, Austin, Boulder, Nashville, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and Madison, and...?  Potentially relocate to one of them, with Seattle and Portland leading the pack of “yes, please.”

12.  Refurbish a piece of cool furniture—a chair, a desk, a dresser, a table, hell, even a mirror.

13.  Have something non academic published. I have a children’s book partially written, a young adult novel noodling around in my brain, the title for a book of creative nonfiction essays, and these days, a rom-com screenplay idea based on a diabolical fantasy plan I’ve concocted and will never act out. (Maniacally twists mustache.) Hell, even an article in a mainstream publication would be cool.

14.  Learn to drive stick shift. I should have done this pre-recent breakup, because dude drove a sweetass BMW. Alas. I can always rent one. Or something cooler, like a Tesla model S--do they rent Teslas? probably not—or a Porsche or something. Or, you know, a Corolla.

15.  See The Daily Show live. This should speak for itself.

16.  Do some kind of long road bike ride, either as a fundraiser (like Pelatonia) or just to do it. There’s one that goes up the Oregon coast that sounds delightful or even the bike ride across Iowa. Up first—actually owning a road bike.

17.  Get a tattoo. Maybe. This one I’m more dubious about. The rest of these are skills or experiences. This is…permanent ink on my skin. And needles. Yikes.

18.  Get over my fear of needles to donate blood. I’m an organ donor, and, in the event of my untimely demise, would want my body donated to science or chopped up into postmortem bits in order to help as many in need as possible. But damn those blood-donation needles scare the bejeezus out of me. I should get over myself already, I know I know.

19.  Anonymously pay for someone else’s meal or bar tab. Like a cute older couple or a nerdy high school couple out on a date. Or a single woman eating alone at a fancy restaurant, because kudos to you, lady. Or, you know, people who actually need it.

20.  Learn basic French. Because it’s pretty, not because I want to go to France again per se. Though, I mean, who would turn down traveling? And also, Canada! Not to mention a whole host of African countries that, you know, used to be colonized. Welp.

21.  Learn to play the fiddle. I prefer singing to playing an "actual" instrument, but the fiddle intrigues me. If my mom can take up the cello at 65, I can try for this before 40, right?

22.  Be interviewed on NPR or give a Ted Talk or a Pecha Kucha. About what? 40 before 40 lists? My young adult novel? Being militantly childfree? The aforementioned diabolical plan?

23.  Make out with a celebrity. Jason Segel and I are single at the same time again, so…

24.  Teach creative writing to juvenile prison inmates. And no, not in a middle class white woman saves the black kids with Shakespeare kind of way. More in the prison-industrial-complex is fucked up and I should do my part to ameliorate a broken system kind of way.

25.  Do 10 pullups. Yep. Can’t do this. Can’t do more than one. There are a couple of yoga positions I haven’t quite mastered yet, either.

26.  Be a guest on a podcast of some kind.* I’ve had comments and a question read on Savage Love, and was on my favorite Philly radio show four times for various call-in stories, but I want to be the guest-pert.

27.  Hike a “famous” mountain. No interest in doing the AT or PCT (though, after reading Wild it was a fleeting thought), but a not super crazy peak? Are those the famous ones…? Totally.

28.  Hold/pet a baby tiger/lion. Because…obviously.

29.  Swim with sharks. Or at least dolphins. (Are these ventures ethical? If not, then no.) If nothing else, at least do a dive off a pretty high diving board or platform. Nope—never done that.

30.  Apply to the FBI just to see.

31.  Get another degree (MFA? MSW? JD?) or some kind of graduate certificate. Or at least be working on it. (Five years is a bit lofty to finish any of those going part-time.)

32.  Start a Sunday Assembly in my quasi-forever home.

33.  See Book of Mormon on Broadway. I might have to wait until I’m 40 for these tickets, amirite?

34.  Go on a big, cool vacation with my mom. We keep tossing around the idea of going to Alaska or the Galapagos.

35.  Give enough money to an organization that I get my name listed somewhere.

36.  Dance or sing again publicly somehow. (I miss this soooo much.) Even once. Burlesque a bonus, karaoke doesn’t count. But getting tipsy and singing on stage with a cover band does.

37.  Visit my dad’s grave.

38.  Drive cross-country. RV a plus. Hit up weird sites but also cool shit like Mount Rushmore. I drove (well, passenge-d) from Columbus to Oregon this summer, but it was With Purpose, not to See Things.

39.  Do a short stand-up set, even if it’s just at a local open mic night. I’m not naturally funny I don’t think, but I have a couple lines in my head that might be good to start with. And for some reason, stand up seems more my angle than improv, which I am sure I’d be terrible at. And if nothing else, my therapist thinks I’m hilarious. That’s gotta be a ringing endorsement, right?

40.  Fall in love again. Right now, I’m at that post-breakup all-love-is-bullshit-and-relationships-are-stupid-and-men-suck phase, but I would hope that within a 5 year span, I’ll get over that and be willing to risk it again. I probably will, because I’m an idiot.

*Currently works in varying stages of progress.