We're Probably Both in Violation of Copyright...

I am part of a closed group on Facebook dedicated to Childfree adults. This should not shock anyone who knows me well: I do not want children and have taken "pretty serious measures" to make sure I don't have any. (The scare quotes are how my mom describes it.) The threads in this group range from political ranting--so easy these days, what with the batshittery going on about access to birth control, transvaginal ultrasounds and the like--to little moments of glee that we "poor" adults have when confronted with friends/coworkers with kids, to just chatty getting to know you type questions. While I can't really call any of these strangers friends, I have told them about things in my life--like the aforementioned "pretty serious" measures--that still some of my "real" friends don't know about.

Someone on the forum posted this link yesterday: http://choosingkidfree.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/i-do-not-like-them-on-a-plane/

For those of you unlikely to click on it, it's a post on a CF blog that rewrites Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham to be about not having or wanting children.

I'm (mildly) incensed.

I did the exact same thing. Last winter.

Not to be outdone--ok, ok, it's not a competition--mine is below. (Segel and Seuss? Good grief. You're lucky I haven't posted my political limericks--yet. I've only written three, and I'm waiting until I have a few more.) Also, the spacing is a little weird, but I don't have the time, energy or patience to work on it because I have to finish writing a paper. SIGH.

I won't get appointed the Poet Laureate for this (or the Segel, or the limericks...) but I kinda dig it, especially the bits at the end.

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids,

I must admit.

You don’t want

A cute round belly?

And to swear off

Booze and meat from a deli?

I do not want

to grow a fetus

I much prefer my

Margaritas.

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids,

I must admit.

You don’t want

To go through birth?

And add another

to this earth?

Delivering a child

Seems awfully gross

And overpopulation

Makes me quite morose

Would you want one as a baby?

I would not want one as a baby,

The answer’s no,

not even maybe.

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids,

I must admit.

You wouldn’t like one

when it’s small?

to watch it grow up

big and tall?

I wouldn’t like one

When it’s small,

I wouldn’t care

if he were tall

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids,

I must admit.

But she’d be cute,

And smart-so bright!

Would that make

Having kids alright?

A brilliant kid

That would be best,

But not enough

To deal with the rest.

But you’d make

Such a lovely parent!

Not having children—

That’s quite aberrant!

I’m never one

To follow crowds;

I make my own choices

(I am allowed!)

But in life,

There’s nothing grander!

Than to raise a family,

This is liberal slander!

I can think of things

Much better,

Kids, to me—

A human fetter.

But the Bible says

To reproduce!

To me that’s a made up,

insane excuse.

But it’s not natural!

Not what nature designed!

And what if it’s too late

And you’ve changed your mind?

Many things aren’t “natural”

That we don’t forbid.

And I’d rather regret that I didn’t

Than regret that I did.

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids

I must admit.

But won’t you be lonely-

When you’re old and alone?

And shouldn’t your mom

Have grandkids of her own?

Lots of adults

Have kids who ignore them

Is that also behavior

You’d like to condemn?

And yes, my dear mother

Would like being a Gran,

But she’s also aware

It’s not part of my plan.

Listen--I know

That having kids is the norm.

And women, especially,

Are supposed to conform.

But I’m just not interested

In having a child,

And the reasons above

Are just some I’ve compiled

This doesn’t make me selfish,

Unstable or mean

I just know who I am

And there’s no in between

You can’t have a kid

And then change your mind later,

And to me a life without them

Seems exceptionally greater!

I do not want them,

Not one bit.

I don’t want kids,

I must admit.