Do you remember that episode of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon sort of accidentally becomes a relationship advice expert? In response to hearing about minor relationship conflicts on a talk show, she tells women they have "sexually transmitted crazy mouth" and "fruit blindness," which might be two of the best phrases in the English language.
She diagnoses relationship dealbreakers with a sort of gusto that, like most of what Liz Lemon does, eventually backfires despite her best intentions. While Tina Fey might be mocking the uber-strict dating rules that women (and Seinfeld) often employ, there is something to be said for having a few--Dan Savage argues for no more than five--substantive issues on which we will not budge. These aren't the things that will attract me to you inititally--intellect, sense of humor, dimples, height, etc.--but the requirements that dig deeper into that long term (or hell, short term) relationship compatibility.
My favorite weekly podcast does a segment about movie mistakes called "Shit That Should Not Be." Let's call this entry "Shit that HAS to be."
In no particular order...
1. Must love dogs is a movie title for a reason. You, Guy, have to love animals. Dogs. Squirrels. Birds. Horses. Cows. Cats. Whatever. (Lizards, snakes and other creepy crawlies are exempt.) I see dogs and cats as furry family members, not four-legged accessories for your living quarters. I spent 6 hours one night this summer rescuing a feral kitten who needed to see a vet and then cried when I dropped it off at the clinic like she was my biological child. I adore my old, feeble, deaf cat, Morris, and we're a package deal. Being allergic is something I'm willing to work with--you can't help that--but I plan to have pets for the rest of my life, and you need to be on board. I would love to have a goat for the backyard. Maybe a bunny. I will feed the birds, help the injured wildlife, and always get excited at the zoo. I dream of going on a safari (despite some post-colonial guilt I'd likely experience being a Westerner invading the land), and watch the Puppybowl, dog shows, silly videos on youtube...you get the idea. If you dislike animals or merely tolerate them? No thanks. Indeed, my mom has always told me "the only two things I care about in your boyfriend/husband are that he loves animals and will dance with you." My mom is a bit of a wacko, but this is some of the best advice I've ever gotten. And on that note...
2. You, Guy, have to be willing to dance. If you're not good, that's ok. We can take lessons. We can not care. But you have to be willing. I don't need you to come to "da club" with me and my girlfriends, but weddings and other events where dancing is likely to occur, yes. I don't want to have to fight about being the only person on the dance floor whose date won't join in every time. Every song? No. But we're at the point age-wise where there aren't a lot of single guys at these things and I don't want to be a forced wallflower. Willing, of course, is the minimum. Your market value increases in direct relationship with how good you are/how much you like to dance. (Even if this requires a beer or two.) I don't want you to be the show-stopping scene-stealer, but you get the idea. I think this "willing" attitude can be applied to lots of activities, but dancing is something I really enjoy, so it matters more than, say, hiking, bungee jumping or any other kind of athletic activity.
3. You, Guy, have to be able to communicate. About your day. About your feelings. About my feelings. About sex. About money. About the stupid bits that make up life. I'm nearly thirty-three, and I need to be with someone who can talk to me. Mad at me? Tell me. Love me? Tell me. If I am mad at you, I want to be able to have a discussion about it without fearing that you're going to turn into a 17 year old who can't use his words. Is fighting fun? No. But avoiding conflict is a sure-fire way for things to fall apart. Not being able to express how you feel about me/us--the good things, I mean--is, too. It might be hokey pop psychology, but there is something to be said for the Five Love Languages. Every single time I've taken the stupid quiz, my highest score is "words of affirmation." Communication builds intimacy, and without it, we're toast.
4. I won't get overly TMI for this one, but I'd be lying if I left it out. You, Guy, need to know what you're doing in bed. Yes, we all need to sort of tweak our technique to adjust for a new partner, but you need to have a pretty solid understanding of it all before we cater to individual preferences. A large portion of this is covered in the aforementioned communication bit, but it also stems from a general enjoyment of all things sexual. A guy who doesn't like sex, you might be thinking? I am certainly not only referring to intercourse. I am talking about all the other stuff--stuff that is equally, if not more, important--to the long-term sexual health and happiness of a couple. No, not a couple. This couple. With me. Like cars, there are certain things that should come standard on all models, and without them, I'm returning you to the lot. And, much like the dancing, willingness coupled with basic skills is the minimum. Enjoyment racks up your market value. Dan coined the term GGG--Good, Giving, Game--and I'm going to demand it of you as a partner, just like you should demand it of me. Demand too harsh a word? Maybe. But not by much. I'm making my mother blush as I type this, but sex is important to me, and I refuse to compromise on it. (I can practically see her eyes rolling as she wonders aloud how it is that I'm her kid.)
5. Christians want to date Christians, usually. Jews want to date Jews, usually. Me? I need to date a liberal. Although I've had a rather unusual religious trajectory in my life, my political beliefs have remained quite steady, or more accurately, become more intense as I've gotten older. I need to be with someone whose worldview aligns with mine as much as possible, because I think--no, have found--that it really affects one's interaction in the world, and I want to be with someone who is facing the same direction. If you're a pro-life, gun-toting, anti gay marriage social conservative who believes in trickle-down economics? Yeah, we're not going to make a life together, in the same way that an Evangelical born-again Christian wouldn't want to be with an atheist. Some of my friends have argued that this is even more ridiculous than my height preferences, but I disagree completely. I don't want to be at each other's throats every election season. (Which, these days, seems to be all the time.) Are we going to agree on every single teeny issue? No. But our overall approach to how we humans should interact with each other in a social, political world should be pretty damn similar. The social issues are far more important to me than the fiscal ones, but they tend to go together. I'm passionate about this and want us to be on the same team. Do I have friends, even close friends, with whom I disagree about politics? Sure. But I don't have to live with them every day. This is about more than who you vote for--it's about your general philosophy. Opposites may attract in other areas, but this isn't one of them. Not for me.
Ok, Dan says to keep it to five. I'm adding one.
6. While I'm not 100% on this, I really don't think I could be with an addict, even a clean or sober one. I don't think I'd ever really believe that the other shoe wasn't about to drop, or that if I didn't keep life super perfect and wonderful that you wouldn't relapse. I know that makes me sound like I have no faith in people, which I absolutely do. I'm just suggesting that, if it's something I could control for, I'd certainly prefer to. Although he was no where near in danger of having an actual problem--let me reiterate that: no where near in danger of having a real problem--I still worried about ExH's drinking. That was on me, not him, but it lead to some ugly encounters at times. The slope with drinking is quite slippery, and it makes me nervous for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. Other addictions--hard drugs, gambling, etc.--would also not fly. Smoking cigarettes is also an absolute turn-off, and I would never knowingly date someone who labeled himself a "smoker." I know that sometimes the social setting--having a few too many, being around certain friends--lends itself to wanting one, and that's something I can deal with, though to be perfectly honest, I'd really rather not. Dan claims that our bodies are ours to use and abuse if we so desire, but I think at some point you have some sort of obligation to others--your partner, etc.--to not purposefully do too much that will decrease your lifespan. I value a healthy lifestyle, and hope you do, as well. I'm not talking about an abstemious teetotaler--that would be a turn-off, too--just someone who has his vices under control.
Will the real animal-loving, liberal, sexually-competent dancers who can communicate please stand up?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
All the Good Ones--or, The Return to Dating, Part 1
Over winter break, I had a delicious dinner and wine with one of my closest girlfriends. (We did the same thing last year, so this may be turning into an annual occurrence, which sounds good to me. This time, though, I'm glad I didn't get pulled over on the drive home. Yeesh.) Anyway, as girls are wont to do, after dessert, we sent her kids and husband out of the living room--nicely, of course--refilled our wine glasses, and settled onto the couch for some serious gossip and girl talk. And, as girls are also wont to do, this talk turned to boys and dating and relationships and sex.
At some point (fueled only partially by my second glass of pinot grigio), I lamented "all the good ones are gay, taken, or Jason Segel" and began a minor treatise on the perils and apparent bullshit of dating in the 21st century as a 32-year old (divorced) woman, followed by a rant on what is and is not worthy of looking for in a man and how these have changed over the course of my adult dating life. When I finally paused to take a breath--me, loquacious?--this wonderful friend said "you should blog about this." So here I am. And, since I am recently Back to Dating, at the risk of coming across as a wannabe columnist for a women's magazine, I'm going to make this a series.
We'll call this entry: All the Crap Men Think We Care About but I Don't Because they're Dumb
1. Guys--I don't care what kind of car you drive. Other than an H3--gross, ick, terrible for the environment--or a rather obvious mid-life crisis/penis compensation mobile, like a canary yellow Corvette or something, I don't care. Guys care a lot about their cars--so "they" say--but it's dumb. Whether it's the red '98 Mustang you bought yourself during high school and haven't gotten rid of, a Saturn made out of plastic, or a BMW, it likely won't matter to me. When I started dating Real World Boyfriend #1 (RWBF1), I, for some dumb reason, found it unattractive that he drove a nice, new pickup truck. I think I even said to a friend "I can't date a guy who drives a truck!?!!?" What an idiot I was. (I did date him for 2 good years, and you know what? That truck came in frigging handy when I had to move.)
What does matter? Keep the inside clean, so I don't have to clear off the passenger seat when you pick me up for a date. Be responsible enough to maintain it--oil changes, tire rotations etc.--don't risk running out of gas (ExH did that once, and I nearly killed him), and, most importantly, don't drive like a jerk: use your turn signal; brake for squirrels; let people into your lane; don't speed too much. (Ok, I admit I am guilty of this one...) Are some cars nicer looking than others? Sure. Do some cars have features that make life more comfortable? Um, two words: heated seats. And yes, our society relates "success" with "car," so the guy who picks me up in the 2010 Volvo might, in theory, make more money than the guy who picks me up in the 2001 Civic. Or, that guy might be obsessed with appearances and in debt in order to pay for that Volvo, while the guy in the Civic has a good savings account and retirement fund. Also? If we can't pick up fast food from a window and eat it in your car because we might mess it up? Forget it.
2. With some exceptions, I don't particularly care what you do for a living. I probably wouldn't get along with a hedge fund manager because our worldviews likely differ with regard to other issues, and jobs that involve a ton of travel--gone for most of the week, say--isn't going to be a good way to build a relationship at the start, at least, but if you like your job and work hard, it's probably ok. Doing something I found philosophically reprehensible--defending big tobacco, lobbying for socially conservative organizations, etc.--would be a dealbreaker for the aformentioned worldview problem, and if you were working by choice at something far below your educational background or intelligence level, that would probably signal a lack of ambition or stick-to-itiveness or perhaps apathy or arrogance--none of which is attractive to me.
In this economy, I recognize that many people are under-employed or stuck in a job they hate. As long as you're working to correct it and are trying the best you can to make the best of the situation--that tends to be my disposition--I get it. It matters far more to me how you manage your money than how much you make. Again, I know that people find themselves in fiscal situations that are beyond their immediate control, but financial recklessness, like still living like you make your old salary even though you've taken a significant pay cut, or racking up credit card debt with no concern for the future would probably raise a red flag for me, because I don't want to constantly fight about money or worry that if we had a future, we'd never be financially secure.
Of course, money is also "speech" (or so our Supreme Court believes, anyway), and how you spend your money "speaks" to your values. Begrudging the cost of a few drinks out on a date even though you just bought yourself an iPad2 because you feel compelled to keep up with the latest gadgets--turn off. I don't need gifts or jewelry or for you to whisk me away to 4-star hotels, and I am a firm believer in splitting the cost of dates--going Dutch or rotating or whatever--but if spending a little bit now and then to take me out or spend time with me is going to irritate you and be a source of friction, it will make me feel, pun intended, undervalued, which isn't a good way to start--or continue--a relationship.
3. I don't care in any sort of a priori sort of way what you look like. Sure, I have preferences and I'm not blind, but I have always, always gone for personality over looks. I wouldn't consider any of my exes to be ugly, of course--I wouldn't have dated them if I didn't find them physically attractive, duh--but only one of them, College Boyfriend #3 (CBF3), was, as they say, "hot." Even most of my celebrity crushes are of the slightly-off-kilter good-looking variety; Ryan Gosling aside, the rest are sort of quirky looking, or at least, not "traditionally handsome." Jason Segel? Andy Samberg? Let's be real. I'm not hot, and don't "demand" that the guy on my arm be, either. This could be a result of my own insecurities, I realize--because I'm cute/pretty without being hot and not at all curvy, the super-hot won't like me back, maybe?--but the end result is the same.
I do care about some things. My friends think I'm totally unreasonable, but you, Guy, need to be tall. Quite tall. I say 5'10" is my cut-off, but my actual preference is at least 6 feet. I don't exactly know why this is. I'm pretty small, and I don't wear heels all that often, but...I just want to feel slight and tiny in your arms, and that's much easier done when the guy is taller. I don't need a big body-builder type--ExH was quite slender and all lean muscle--but height matters to me, even if this seems ridiculous, whereas body type does not. Got a few extra pounds? Dress it well, and it hardly matters. Though all but hot CBF3 have been brunettes--do you call boys "brunettes" I wonder?--I'm not opposed to blonds on principle, but I do like shorter, clean cut hair. (Unlike my mother, who has this odd penchant for men with ponytails. Weird.) Facial hair works on some people--indeed, it is better than clean-shaven on some men--but keep it neat and trim. My newest thing is that I really dig glasses, but not in that Weezer, big, black plastic frame sort of way. I tend to like blue or green eyes over brown, though it doesn't actually matter, and melt for straight-teethed, easy-going smiles. (My high school friends used to joke that I would be a dentist someday, because I frequently remarked "oh, he has nice teeth!") Dimples are a swoon-worthy bonus. One dimple? Ohmyword--you might as well peel me off the floor right now. Oh, and fingernails. Untrimmed fingernails on men freak me the hell out. Even a little bit of that "moon" gives me the willies. *Shivers.*
The most important thing, though, is to work your strengths, care enough about what you look like to put in effort in how you present yourself without being an obsessive jackass, stay on top of personal hygiene--moisturizer, gentlemen, moisturizer--and figure out a way to dress. My personal preference is a sort of relaxed preppy/classic outdoorsy casual combo deal, but the guy who can dress with a sense of versatility is probably the sexiest thing in the world. A tshirt, jeans and flip-flops while drinking a beer at a baseball game? A button-up, loosened tie and dress slacks for a date? Be still my beating heart. Be aware of the environment and dress accordingly. And if you don't know, ask for input and take advice.
Oh, and one more thing: boxer briefs. I mean, honestly.
At some point (fueled only partially by my second glass of pinot grigio), I lamented "all the good ones are gay, taken, or Jason Segel" and began a minor treatise on the perils and apparent bullshit of dating in the 21st century as a 32-year old (divorced) woman, followed by a rant on what is and is not worthy of looking for in a man and how these have changed over the course of my adult dating life. When I finally paused to take a breath--me, loquacious?--this wonderful friend said "you should blog about this." So here I am. And, since I am recently Back to Dating, at the risk of coming across as a wannabe columnist for a women's magazine, I'm going to make this a series.
We'll call this entry: All the Crap Men Think We Care About but I Don't Because they're Dumb
1. Guys--I don't care what kind of car you drive. Other than an H3--gross, ick, terrible for the environment--or a rather obvious mid-life crisis/penis compensation mobile, like a canary yellow Corvette or something, I don't care. Guys care a lot about their cars--so "they" say--but it's dumb. Whether it's the red '98 Mustang you bought yourself during high school and haven't gotten rid of, a Saturn made out of plastic, or a BMW, it likely won't matter to me. When I started dating Real World Boyfriend #1 (RWBF1), I, for some dumb reason, found it unattractive that he drove a nice, new pickup truck. I think I even said to a friend "I can't date a guy who drives a truck!?!!?" What an idiot I was. (I did date him for 2 good years, and you know what? That truck came in frigging handy when I had to move.)
What does matter? Keep the inside clean, so I don't have to clear off the passenger seat when you pick me up for a date. Be responsible enough to maintain it--oil changes, tire rotations etc.--don't risk running out of gas (ExH did that once, and I nearly killed him), and, most importantly, don't drive like a jerk: use your turn signal; brake for squirrels; let people into your lane; don't speed too much. (Ok, I admit I am guilty of this one...) Are some cars nicer looking than others? Sure. Do some cars have features that make life more comfortable? Um, two words: heated seats. And yes, our society relates "success" with "car," so the guy who picks me up in the 2010 Volvo might, in theory, make more money than the guy who picks me up in the 2001 Civic. Or, that guy might be obsessed with appearances and in debt in order to pay for that Volvo, while the guy in the Civic has a good savings account and retirement fund. Also? If we can't pick up fast food from a window and eat it in your car because we might mess it up? Forget it.
2. With some exceptions, I don't particularly care what you do for a living. I probably wouldn't get along with a hedge fund manager because our worldviews likely differ with regard to other issues, and jobs that involve a ton of travel--gone for most of the week, say--isn't going to be a good way to build a relationship at the start, at least, but if you like your job and work hard, it's probably ok. Doing something I found philosophically reprehensible--defending big tobacco, lobbying for socially conservative organizations, etc.--would be a dealbreaker for the aformentioned worldview problem, and if you were working by choice at something far below your educational background or intelligence level, that would probably signal a lack of ambition or stick-to-itiveness or perhaps apathy or arrogance--none of which is attractive to me.
In this economy, I recognize that many people are under-employed or stuck in a job they hate. As long as you're working to correct it and are trying the best you can to make the best of the situation--that tends to be my disposition--I get it. It matters far more to me how you manage your money than how much you make. Again, I know that people find themselves in fiscal situations that are beyond their immediate control, but financial recklessness, like still living like you make your old salary even though you've taken a significant pay cut, or racking up credit card debt with no concern for the future would probably raise a red flag for me, because I don't want to constantly fight about money or worry that if we had a future, we'd never be financially secure.
Of course, money is also "speech" (or so our Supreme Court believes, anyway), and how you spend your money "speaks" to your values. Begrudging the cost of a few drinks out on a date even though you just bought yourself an iPad2 because you feel compelled to keep up with the latest gadgets--turn off. I don't need gifts or jewelry or for you to whisk me away to 4-star hotels, and I am a firm believer in splitting the cost of dates--going Dutch or rotating or whatever--but if spending a little bit now and then to take me out or spend time with me is going to irritate you and be a source of friction, it will make me feel, pun intended, undervalued, which isn't a good way to start--or continue--a relationship.
3. I don't care in any sort of a priori sort of way what you look like. Sure, I have preferences and I'm not blind, but I have always, always gone for personality over looks. I wouldn't consider any of my exes to be ugly, of course--I wouldn't have dated them if I didn't find them physically attractive, duh--but only one of them, College Boyfriend #3 (CBF3), was, as they say, "hot." Even most of my celebrity crushes are of the slightly-off-kilter good-looking variety; Ryan Gosling aside, the rest are sort of quirky looking, or at least, not "traditionally handsome." Jason Segel? Andy Samberg? Let's be real. I'm not hot, and don't "demand" that the guy on my arm be, either. This could be a result of my own insecurities, I realize--because I'm cute/pretty without being hot and not at all curvy, the super-hot won't like me back, maybe?--but the end result is the same.
I do care about some things. My friends think I'm totally unreasonable, but you, Guy, need to be tall. Quite tall. I say 5'10" is my cut-off, but my actual preference is at least 6 feet. I don't exactly know why this is. I'm pretty small, and I don't wear heels all that often, but...I just want to feel slight and tiny in your arms, and that's much easier done when the guy is taller. I don't need a big body-builder type--ExH was quite slender and all lean muscle--but height matters to me, even if this seems ridiculous, whereas body type does not. Got a few extra pounds? Dress it well, and it hardly matters. Though all but hot CBF3 have been brunettes--do you call boys "brunettes" I wonder?--I'm not opposed to blonds on principle, but I do like shorter, clean cut hair. (Unlike my mother, who has this odd penchant for men with ponytails. Weird.) Facial hair works on some people--indeed, it is better than clean-shaven on some men--but keep it neat and trim. My newest thing is that I really dig glasses, but not in that Weezer, big, black plastic frame sort of way. I tend to like blue or green eyes over brown, though it doesn't actually matter, and melt for straight-teethed, easy-going smiles. (My high school friends used to joke that I would be a dentist someday, because I frequently remarked "oh, he has nice teeth!") Dimples are a swoon-worthy bonus. One dimple? Ohmyword--you might as well peel me off the floor right now. Oh, and fingernails. Untrimmed fingernails on men freak me the hell out. Even a little bit of that "moon" gives me the willies. *Shivers.*
The most important thing, though, is to work your strengths, care enough about what you look like to put in effort in how you present yourself without being an obsessive jackass, stay on top of personal hygiene--moisturizer, gentlemen, moisturizer--and figure out a way to dress. My personal preference is a sort of relaxed preppy/classic outdoorsy casual combo deal, but the guy who can dress with a sense of versatility is probably the sexiest thing in the world. A tshirt, jeans and flip-flops while drinking a beer at a baseball game? A button-up, loosened tie and dress slacks for a date? Be still my beating heart. Be aware of the environment and dress accordingly. And if you don't know, ask for input and take advice.
Oh, and one more thing: boxer briefs. I mean, honestly.
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